Search
  • Elm & Clay .

Cleanin' out my closet

My love for Calvin & Hobbes is public knowledge. (I make it so) But over the years I feel this love has grown a new dimension! I find it easier to embody his spirit of rebellion, adopted ignorance and upheld self righteousness. I can't help but agree with his manifestos with a sagely shake of my head as the world around me errs. These are the people who are happy to watch me suffer and I think they ought to be brought to their knees. People, who seem less than enthusiastic to make my life a  better place. I hate people who whine and do nothing about it! So, where was I? Yes. Here's a list of all the things that I'd like to complain about:

  • Restroom category 1 : Public toilet cubicles that have too big a gap between door and floor. Suddenly I'm worried about my knees being seen crouching over the toilet seat instead of sitting on it. Which BTW in my opinion should be the the ONLY way to use ANY toilet that doesn't have your own room waiting outside.

  • Restroom Category 2: Establishments that do not have a vacant/occupied sign system! Why get me to timidly try every handle and in turn clam up the poor soul inside trying to do his business? Or alternatively, I am now having a staring contest with an empty stall till a bolder or more urgent suitor nudges frowning past me into the unoccupied cubicle, leaving me foolishly gawping some more and pretending like that's exactly what I wanted to do : stand guard over a door. My worst nightmare is trying a door only to find it accidentally unlocked AND occupied! How do you recover from that?!


  • People who overcook Maggi into salami sized slugs and those who pour ketchup over it! You know who you are.

  • Forms and surveys that have age categories ending at 25. 27 still starts with a '2'. Don't try to pool me into the adult category and force me to grow up! (Did you notice how cleverly I put this post up 6 days before my birthday?)

  • Ramblers who "tsk-tsk" at me for going around them when they block my way with their slow crawl on a flight of stairs. You slow me down!

  • Punks who storm past me on a flight of stairs. Some of us are precariously walking the rope on those slippery slides! Slow down!

  • Those who, in a slow moving crowd, sneak their umbrella under mine so that its dripping rain water on me as we edge forward. How dare you, that was my game plan!

  • "Gastronomes" who take pride in consistently "sampling"  a new dish at a restaurant. If I take a half hour to scour the menu of a hip Mediterranean joint for the closest they have to tandoori, leave me alone!

  • Restaurants that do not have a table for two!  Why do I unexpectedly feel guilty of keeping a party of six waiting for my table of four? So now, I have to shovel my dinner down and squirm in my seat as I take time to order my dessert! (PS: You may think because I'm an architect, I speak in comparison to the several sprawling restaurants and its flawless public restrooms I've built. You would be wrong. The lock on my bathroom door has been defunct for a while now.)

  • Lastly, people who don't immediately jump in to rubbish my claims when I say "Anyway, I'm just waffling on". That's exactly the kind of negative behaviour I'm not looking for.

Calling out so many delinquents publicly on a website that has an assured readership of at least 15 patrons was ruthless and exacting. But I'm sure you are all now regretful you ever crossed me. Nevertheless, I am willing to forgive when the apologies with proof of amendments come flooding in any day now!

+91-8928467718

©2019 by Elm & Clay.